I’ve planted a tiny garden on the balcony. I love helping plants to grow. I can’t wait to plant sweet peas and sit out on summer evenings with friends and a beer. On clear nights you can see the stars from the balcony and in the day it’s a beautiful sun trap. I drink tea out there and the cat loves it.
I neglected the balcony garden over winter, but a few weeks ago I got all the indoor and outdoor plants together and started work:
While I was working I kept thinking about people and how we’re like plants. We should be growing but sometimes we need to change something to help us grow better.
The lavender and the heather were too big for their pots so they’d stopped growing. Sometimes we need repotting. We need a new challenge, something that seems too big for us. It might be scary to say yes but we can’t grow until we do. It might be a new project at work, a new job or a new creative challenge. Maybe it’s having a child, starting a new relationship or learning a new skill. Sometimes we just need that bigger pot to get us started.
The peace lily was almost dead. It didn’t have enough light in the hall. I’d tried it in a windowsill and that was too much light. I couldn’t seem to get it right and it seemed to be doomed. I was round at a friend’s and spotted a thriving peace lily in the bathroom by a frosted glass window. Maybe frosted glass was the perfect lighting for peace? I moved my peace lily into the bathroom as soon as I got home. Each time I washed my hands I sprinkled a little water onto the dying plant and within a day the leaves had started to stand up straight and now it’s thriving.
Sometimes we need to be in a different environment. Maybe it’s time to change job or move house? I was chatting to a friend about a job that had gradually changed to become nothing like the job she first applied for. She dreads Mondays. I told her a story: When a frog jumps into boiling water it jumps straight out because it’s too hot. But if a frog jumps into cold water and you gradually turn up the heat then it doesn’t jump out. It dies. We both laughed at the slightly awkward ending and its implications. You don’t always notice how bad something is becoming or how it’s affecting you until it’s too late. Perhaps it’s time to jump!
Some of the plants need the dead bits removing before they will grow. Take off dead lavender heads or the old primrose flowers and many more flowers sprout up. My chives were half dead and half green so I cut all of it back so the plant could grow new healthy shoots without all the dead bits getting in the way.
Sometimes there are old habits or old relationships which were life giving once, but now they’re sucking the life away from us and we need to let them go. Maybe we’re doing too much and need to cut something out to really thrive. It’s hard to do but we won’t grow properly until we do.
I was given a plant arrangement in a basket but I decided it was time to separate the three plants so they could stand in their own pots. It’s great to be doing things with support but we still need to stand in our own pot with our own clear boundaries. If it’s unclear where you end and someone else begins you might start to loose yourself or rely on someone else in an unhealthy way. We all need each other, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to ask for help but when we expect others to meet our needs when they don’t want to or can’t, well that’s when problems arise. We can simply ask and we can say no to others if we need to. Another important boundary is to be able to say if something someone is saying or doing bothers us. That’s healthy and safe and it’s what makes relationships grow stronger if it’s done without blame and with love.
Weeds are like controlling people. They gradually take over and suffocate who you are. Everyone is controlling at times, we react out of insecurity or we want to help others so we step in when we don’t need to. If you’re aware of it and concerned you might be doing it you’re most likely unintentionally controlling – that’s okay – you’ll apologise if it happens, you’re aware of your weaknesses and if someone lets you know you’re being controlling, you’ll take responsibility and change your behavior as a result. Good friends or partners let each other know if something they’re doing bothers them.
Unfortunately though – there’s a pattern of controlling behavior that continues over time like a weed choking a plant. This is an emotionally abusive relationship, if you’re in this by the very nature of it, you won’t be aware you’re in it. You’ll be feeling more and more anxious and less like you as your sense of self is being chipped away.
Here are a few things to look out for:
Abusive people continually tell you what to do. It’s fine to make suggestions from time to time but they start with “I think” or “I suggest”. If you’re continually hearing “You really should” or “You need to” then they’re trying to undermine you and make their voice the dominant voice in your life.
You probably apologise often and them.. never!
They try to change your memories of events to paint you in a bad light with statements like “All your friends thought XXX”. The best thing to do is to go to the people concerned and ask them what they thought. They’ll reassure you it’s not true – don’t let someone redefine history.
Abusive people do not legitimise others feelings – it’s part of something physiologists call ‘crazy making behaviour‘. Continually dismissing someones legitimate feelings causes the person to feel frustrated and rejected to a point where they’re feeling so insecure, hurt and misunderstood they start to act and feel crazy. The abuser then points this out as an overreaction and explains how they always have to put up with this crazy friend / partner. At this point the partner / friend usually folds or apologises and the abuse continues.
Abusive people blame you for their feelings instead of expressing them in a healthy way. So for example instead of saying “I feel X” or “When you say or do this I feel like X” they will say “You are making me… ” or “You have ruined my evening / lunch / weekend.” This is emotional blackmail – it causes you feel bad and stops you daring to raise an issue or express a point of view different to theirs. You have every right to express how you feel, just don’t blame another person for your feelings.
There’s a common misconception that if someone was being abusive towards you, you’d just leave or cut off from the relationship. The problem is the abuser will be incredibly kind and charming at times, inconsistent praise is also a ‘crazy making behaviour‘ and something like this takes place over weeks, months and even years to a point where your sense of self is so eroded that you’re less able to see things objectively or defend yourself. You’ll think there’s something wrong with you, not them. You’ll also be looking to the abusive person for validation so you’ll think you need them.
If any of this seems familiar, I’ve posted a couple of checklists below to help. If you answer yes to most or all of the things on the lists please speak to someone you trust or get help from an organisation like Living Without Abuse.
I was thinking about how plants need light and water even after they’ve been pruned or re-potted so what does that look like for people?
For me it’s doing things I’m good at, being outside and being encouraged by others – that’s like water. And spending time with people who love me, challenge me and let me be myself, that’s like light.
What brings you life?